When your child is anxious, it’s difficult for parents to know whether to comfort, encourage or step in. Here’s how to help them feel understood while building confidence and coping skills.
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To help a child with anxiety, begin by helping them feel understood and safe. Calm their body before trying to reason with anxious thoughts, listen for what the anxiety may be communicating and help them face manageable challenges in small steps. The goal is not to remove every worry, but to show your child that they can experience anxiety and still cope.
When your child is anxious, everything in you wants to make it better. You reassure them, explain why they don’t need to worry or remove the thing that is frightening them.
Sometimes, that’s exactly what your child needs – for example, when they are in genuine danger. But if avoiding every fear becomes the only way a child can feel safe, anxiety grows.
Helping a child with anxiety means finding a path between pushing them into something overwhelming and protecting them from every uncomfortable feeling. You stay close, take their fear seriously and help them discover, one manageable step at a time, that they are capable of more than anxiety tells them.
What is anxiety?
Anxiety is a feeling in the body that something isn’t quite right. I often describe it to children as being like a security alarm.
Sometimes the alarm warns us about a real danger and we need to take action. At other times, it goes off because something feels frightening or uncertain, even though, in reality, we are safe.
Putting a hand up in class, walking into a party or sitting an exam may feel threatening to a child’s nervous system. They are not in physical danger, but their anxiety alarm is responding as though they might be.
Anxiety can affect:
- The body: a racing heart, tense muscles, shakiness, nausea or a stomach ache
- Thoughts: “Something bad will happen,” “I can’t do this” or “Everyone will laugh at me”
- Feelings: fear, panic, irritability, embarrassment or overwhelm
- Behaviour: avoidance, clinginess, anger, withdrawal or repeated requests for reassurance
Children rarely say, “I feel anxious.” They are more likely to say things like: “I hate school,” “My tummy hurts,” “Don’t leave me” or simply “I can’t.” – in some circumstances, they do not speak at all when anxious.
How to help a child with anxiety: start with the body
When a child’s anxiety alarm is sounding, it’s incredibly difficult for them to think clearly. This is not the moment for a long explanation about why their fear is irrational.
If you help their body feel safer first, it allows their mind to come back on-line, so they can think clearly again.
You could try:
- Taking slow breaths together
- Shaking or wriggling out some of the anxious energy
- Stomping, marching or bouncing your heels
- Drumming on the ground next to your child
- Walking side by side
- Colouring, drawing or doing something creative
- Sitting quietly together
- Speaking slowly and keeping your own body relaxed
One breathing exercise I use with children is a dragon breath: breathe in through the nose, take another small breath in, then slowly push the air out through the mouth like a dragon. Repeat it a few times without forcing the breath.
Rhythmic movement can also help. Your child might walk, rock, drum, swing or gently move their arms and shoulders.
These techniques do not make the source of the anxiety disappear. They help your child become calm enough to understand what is happening and decide what to do next.
Connect before you try to solve the problem
It’s tempting to respond to anxiety with logic:
- “There’s nothing to worry about.”
- “You’ll be fine.”
- “You’ve done this loads of times.”
- “Nobody is looking at you.”
The intention is reassuring, but the child may hear that their experience does not make sense, or that you have not understood how frightening it feels.
Begin by acknowledging the feeling:
- “I can see that this feels really difficult.”
- “Your anxiety alarm is very loud right now.”
- “It makes sense that you feel nervous about something new.”
- “I’m here. We can work out the next step together.”
Accepting the feeling does not mean agreeing with every anxious prediction. You can believe that your child feels frightened without confirming that the situation is dangerous.
Once they feel understood and their body is calmer, you can begin thinking together.
Help your child recognise their anxiety
Anxiety becomes a little easier to manage when a child can recognise it when it pops up.
When they’re calm and relaxed, ask:
- “Where do you notice worry in your body?”
- “What thoughts turn up when you feel anxious?”
- “What does anxiety make you want to do?”
- “How can I tell when your anxiety alarm is sounding?”
Your child might notice a hot face, tight chest, tingling hands, a fluttering stomach or a sudden need to escape. They may want to hide, cling to you, become very quiet or react angrily.
Drawing a person or stick figure, and marking where anxiety appears can help children who find direct questions difficult. They could also draw anxious thoughts in speech or thought bubbles.
This isn’t about searching your child for symptoms. It’s about helping them notice: “This is anxiety. It feels horrible, but it doesn’t mean I am in danger. I can recognise it, and I have some tools that help.”
Don’t make feeling calm the price of trying
Children sometimes believe they must wait until they feel completely confident before doing something frightening.
But bravery is not the absence of anxiety. Bravery is feeling scared and taking a manageable step anyway.
If your child avoids something every time anxiety appears, they experience immediate relief. That relief can teach the anxiety alarm that avoidance was what kept them safe, making the situation feel even more threatening next time.
This does not mean forcing a distressed child through their greatest fear. Instead, break the challenge into small steps.
A child who is frightened of attending a party might:
- Look at pictures of the venue.
- Choose what to wear.
- Walk past the venue with you.
- Arrive before it becomes busy.
- Stay for ten minutes with you nearby.
- Gradually remain for longer.
The right first step should feel challenging but possible. If your child is overwhelmed, the step may be too large.
Every small experience of coping gives them new evidence: “I felt anxious, I did something difficult and I managed.”
Crucially, showing your child that they can say they’ve had enough at any time and you will listen can make a huge difference. When a child knows they don’t have to go the whole hog, and that they can stop any time, it makes taking steps towards the frightening thing so much less daunting.
Be thoughtful about reassurance
Reassurance is a natural and important part of parenting. An anxious child needs to know that they are loved, supported and not facing difficult feelings alone.
However, anxiety can demand a level of certainty that no parent can provide:
- “Are you sure I won’t be sick?”
- “Are you sure you’ll be there?”
- “Are you sure nobody will laugh?”
- “Are you absolutely sure nothing bad will happen?”
An answer may soothe the worry for a moment, but anxiety often returns with another question.
Instead of becoming trapped in a search for certainty, try combining reassurance with confidence:
- “I know you’re worried. If something difficult happens, we will deal with it together.”
- “I can’t promise exactly what will happen, but whatever happens, I know you will cope.”
- “Your anxiety is asking that question again. What helped you answer it last time?”
Your child still receives warmth and connection, but they also begin building trust in their own ability to manage uncertainty.
How to help a child with anxiety about school
Anxiety about school can have many causes. A child may be worried about separation, friendships, bullying, lessons, tests, sensory overload, getting into trouble or not having their needs understood.
Begin by getting curious about what school feels like for your child. Avoid assuming that reluctance to attend is defiance or that the problem is simply a lack of confidence.
You could ask:
- “Which part of the school day feels hardest?”
- “When does the worry usually begin?”
- “Is there somewhere or someone at school that feels safer?”
- “What do you wish adults at school understood?”
- “What would make tomorrow feel 5% easier?”
Some children talk more freely while walking, drawing, playing or travelling in the car. Others may find it easier to show you on a timetable or rate different parts of the day.
Work with the school
Speak to your child’s teacher, pastoral lead or SENDCo. Share what you are seeing at home and ask what staff have noticed at school.
A support plan might include:
- A familiar adult meeting your child at the entrance
- A quieter place to arrive or decompress
- Clear information about changes to the day
- Support with a particular lesson, friendship or sensory difficulty
- A visual timetable
- A manageable plan for returning after absence
- Regular communication between home and school
Avoidance can make anxiety about school stronger over time, but simply pushing a child through the door without understanding the cause is unlikely to resolve it. The aim is supported participation: finding and addressing the difficulty while helping the child take achievable steps towards attending.
The NHS advises talking about possible causes such as bullying, friendship problems, schoolwork or sensory difficulties and working with the school to find appropriate support.
How to help a child with anxiety stomach aches
Anxiety stomach aches are real physical sensations. Your child is not imagining them or pretending to be unwell.
When the body’s alarm system activates, it can affect digestion and create sensations including nausea, butterflies, pain or an urgent need to use the toilet. Children might feel these symptoms before school, social situations, tests or unfamiliar events.
If your child has a stomach ache:
- Take the pain seriously
- Notice when it happens and whether there is a pattern
- Ask what was happening before the discomfort began
- Help them breathe and relax their body
- Suggest gentle movement like walking or stretching
- Avoid saying, “It’s only anxiety”
- Keep a brief record of symptoms and possible triggers
- Seek medical advice if you are unsure of the cause
Try saying:
“I believe that your tummy hurts. Sometimes worry can make our stomachs hurt, but let’s pay attention and work out what your body needs.”
Do not assume that every recurring stomach ache is caused by anxiety. Speak to your GP if the pain is severe, persistent, worsening or accompanied by other symptoms, or if you have any concern that your child may be physically unwell.
If stomach aches regularly appear before school, explore what is happening there rather than focusing only on getting rid of the physical sensation.
Read next: Anxiety at bedtime
Help children build their own anxiety toolkit
Different anxiety coping skills work for different children, and the same tool may not work every time.
Your child’s toolkit might include:
- Slow breathing
- Movement or rhythmic activity
- Talking to a trusted adult
- Drawing or writing worries down
- Quiet creative activities
- A familiar object
- A helpful coping phrase
- A visual plan for what will happen
- Taking one small brave step
- Remembering a previous time they coped
Let your child experiment. A technique is more likely to feel useful when they have chosen, gotten used to and practised it, rather than having it imposed during a crisis.
The message behind every tool is the same: “Anxiety is here, but I am not helpless.”
How to help children cope with anxiety in everyday life
Everyday experiences can build the foundations children draw on when something feels difficult. If your child is in a calm, balanced environment most of the time, it gives them a better chance at dealing with anxiety when it happens. Helpful habits include:
- Keeping routines reasonably predictable
- Protecting time for rest, movement and play
- Making space for relaxed conversation
- Encouraging interests that give your child a sense of enjoyment and competence
- Letting children see adults cope imperfectly with their own worries
- Treating mistakes as part of learning
- Giving your child age-appropriate choices and responsibilities
- Noticing courage, creativity and effort, rather than only successes
Try to avoid monitoring your child’s emotions constantly. Children need to know they can tell you when something is wrong without feeling that every silence, bad mood or stomach ache will become a major investigation.
Connection often happens indirectly: while driving, walking the dog, drawing, cooking or doing something else side by side.
Books to help children with anxiety
Books can give children language for feelings that are difficult to explain. They also allow you to explore anxiety together without placing your child under the full spotlight of a direct conversation.
I have written several books for different ages and needs:
- Don’t Worry, Be Happy is an illustrated activity book for children aged 7–11 who need help understanding anxiety and recognising how it affects their thoughts and bodies.
- Shrink Your Worries is a practical guide for children aged 7+ combining CBT and mindfulness methods with breathing, confidence-building and bravery activities.
- No More Worries! is written for young people aged approximately 11–16, with activities and advice for managing anxiety during the teenage years.
- The Bedtime Worry Journal gives children a regular place to write down the thoughts that become louder at night.
- How to Support Your Anxious Child is for parents and carers who want practical guidance on understanding anxiety and responding helpfully.
My guide to anxiety books for kids explains the different kinds of books available and how to choose one that suits your child.
Books are a starting point rather than a substitute for individual support. Some children will engage eagerly with a workbook; others will prefer to draw, listen or let an adult read and quietly apply the ideas. Anxiety worksheets can also be a good first step.
When should you seek professional support?
Occasional anxiety is part of being human. Consider seeking further help when your child’s anxiety:
- Is severe, persistent or getting worse
- Regularly stops them attending school or taking part in everyday life
- Affects sleep, eating, family life or friendships
- Causes frequent physical symptoms
- Leads to increasing avoidance
- Is not improving with the support you have tried
- Causes significant distress to your child or family
Your child’s school, school nurse or GP can be a good place to begin. The NHS recommends seeking help when anxiety is severe, persists and interferes with a child’s everyday life.
Frequently asked questions
What is the best way to help a child with anxiety?
Begin by acknowledging the feeling and helping your child’s body become calmer. Once they feel more regulated, listen for what is causing the anxiety and help them take a small, manageable step rather than expecting the fear to disappear immediately.
How do you calm an anxious child?
Stay close and calm, speak slowly and try a simple regulating activity such as breathing, walking, rhythmic movement, colouring or holding a familiar object. Different children find different things calming, so keep an open mind and trust your instincts.
Should I let my child avoid things that make them anxious?
Sometimes stepping away is necessary, particularly if a situation is unsafe or your child is completely overwhelmed. However, repeated avoidance can make anxiety stronger. Once you understand the fear, help your child approach it through small, supported steps that feel difficult but achievable.
What should I say when my child is anxious?
Try: “I can see this is hard. I’m here with you. We don’t have to solve everything at once. Let’s work out one small next step.” This validates the feeling without suggesting that your child is incapable or that the situation must be avoided.
Can anxiety cause stomach aches in children?
Yes, anxiety can cause genuine physical symptoms including stomach aches, nausea and butterflies. However, physical symptoms should not automatically be attributed to anxiety. Consult your GP if pain is persistent, severe, worsening or otherwise concerning.
How can I help my child with anxiety about school?
Listen for the particular part of school that feels difficult and speak to the school about what they have noticed. Address issues such as bullying, learning difficulties, friendships, sensory needs or unmet support needs, then agree on a plan that helps your child participate in manageable steps.
About the author
Poppy O’Neill is a bestselling and award-winning children’s author specialising in mental health and emotional wellbeing. She has written more than 25 books for children and parents, with over 450,000 copies sold worldwide in 12 languages.
Her books about childhood anxiety include Don’t Worry, Be Happy, Shrink Your Worries, No More Worries!, The Bedtime Worry Journal and the parent guide How to Support Your Anxious Child. Her work makes complex emotional ideas clear, reassuring and practical for children and the adults supporting them.